Don't read if you don't want to get pissed off...you know who you are

First off, this is a PUBLIC blog and if you don't like what I have to say...then don't read it. Second, if you do continue to read...it's my thoughts and opinions alone and if you have a problem with any of it...then come to me. Unless you can't face the truth. Man oh man...it never stops does it?? When you think things are finally good, they are not. Let me explain.. Yesterday was my mom's birthday, she passed away Jan 13th 2010. My dad had said that he wanted to spread her ashes over the Montana Mountains as that was her wish. He did invite myself and her family but did not want any drama. I asked if I could ride on the back of the bike with him, and was told numerous times that NO ONE would ride on the back of the bike except for my mom. Well, when he showed up at my house his new wife, Brittani was on the back of the bike. At first I was so pissed off at the both of them that I couldn't even look at them. However, I let it go for the day since it was for my mom...not about us. This is what was supposed to happen, we were to spend the day driving into Montana and going to a spot that she loved. Well, we literally hit the Idaho Montana border and pulled off. We went up around a dirt road for about a mile and stopped. Well, we all get out of the cars and off the bikes and look around. The spot that was picked was literally right off the freeway and had a road right below where she was to be spread. Dad didn't even know it was there so it leads me to believe that wasn't the place she wanted to be spread. Anyways, we spread her ashes and then he and Brittani got on the bike and had to take off immediately to go pick up her daughter. Well, we let it go at that moment. My family and I went and had lunch then a few of us decided to go back and pick up some of her ashes and take them to a spot that she really would want to be at. It wasn't much, but it's enough. We toasted a shot to her and danced and sang some Cher. That is how she would have wanted it, not be thrown and left for good. Well, this morning I get a call from my aunt who tells me that my cousin recieved a voicemail from Brittani stating that and not word for word but close, "There are a few of Melinda's things that you and your mom may want because they are going into the yard sale and if you want them to come and get them before they are gone". Ok...how would you respond to that if you had just experienced what happened with her ashes and then her stuff was going in a yard sale???? Well, of course I got upset. However, I didn't just go over there and freak out like I wanted to. I calmed down and then called him to find out exactly what was in there. Well, I was told by him that it was just one picture and a coffee pot and toaster that was there and that he still had a small bit to go through with me. Well, sorry dad...but that was a lie. One of my aunts had already gone over there and picked up 2 pictures and she said that there were a few things that she seen that were my moms. Well my cousin went over there and was able to get 2 more pictures and had to buy a candle holder of my moms (since it was in the yard sale). My cousin got her ass chewed because she had relayed the voicemail to the family. I'm sorry, she was concerned that my moms stuff was being sold and it wasn't her that told me...it was my aunt. I guess that even if it was just a few pictures of hers, I should have got the call. Not my cousin, not ANYONE but me. I was her only child, so therefore I deserve that respect. If you want to keep reading you can....because I am letting it all out. Another thing that bothers me....just like I am doing now, Brittani blogs. Well sorry my dear, but you have your blog address on your Facebook info page there for it is for ANYONE to read. You say that we need to respect your privacy, well I'm sorry use a fake name or well here's a thought....DON'T PUT THE WEB PAGE OUT THERE FOR ANYONE TO READ. Make sense right. If it's a blog...it's to be read. That's what blogs are for. Just recently she and my dad have married and in one of her blogs she was upset that her family didn't show up to the wedding...but the "dead wifes family did.....awkward". Screw you. You are doing everything you did 6 months ago. You are posting because no one has tried to pick fights or anything because we wanted to have my father back and make things right. By posting things like this...how do you think we are going to feel? Guess what...after reading that I don't want to be around you anymore because God forbid...I don't want to make you feel "AWKWARD". You have succeeded my friend...in what ever you had planned a year ago....you won. Here's a few things that we all said would happen to dad last year...but yet we are the ones in the wrong for saying what we thought. 1) She got rid of all of moms stuff almost immediately after she moved into the house. I asked OVER AND OVER to get stuff but was told by my dad that "he wasn't ready", then to my suprise 2 of my aunts were called to go pick stuff all up. Guess what...I DIDN'T GET A FUCKING THING! When it's brought up now, they say "I" was the one not ready. Nope, sorry....DAD YOU WEREN'T READY UNTIL SHE MOVED IN AND GAVE YOU NO CHOISE! 2) She was slowly pushing family away. Guess what...it wasn't slow she played everyone against everyone and got her way. We were all pushed out of his life for months and when he wanted to make things better I fell into it. I wanted my dad back so I swallowed my pride and let a lot of my hurt feelings go. 3) She was planning a wedding, place to move, and getting pregnant only after a month of moving in. Guess what, not even a year later, they are married, she's pregnant, and they are moving to Florida. Wow...couldn't see that coming. I'm just done with it all. Once I have the rest of my moms stuff, I'm not going to be hurt by them anymore. They say they are done with us...well I am sorry, but I have only been the one to come back around. No one else......so I guess I am the one you are done with. Whatever. Have your misearble life down in Florida, because we all know you, Brittani, want to move back to Cali. Hopefully you break my dads heart now before he gives up his ENTIRE life for you then when you guys get to Florida and he has no one to pick up the pieces. It's just plain sad to all of us. All that matters, is that I have some of my moms ashes and we are going to take her to the most beautiful place in Montana that as a family we think she would have wanted to be. Not on a hillside, next to a road, ALONE. Maybe we will bury the rest of her next to grandma. Somehow, someway she will someday be at peace with the choice that her widowed husband has made...but I doubt it.

The way it all ended....

Well, I deleted all my old posts and now I am going to start all over again and put my thoughts into words on paper as it really is therapy. The biggest thing that I want to discuss right now is what has happened in the past 2 and a half years. It starts with my mom being diagnosed with lung cancer. Both my mom and my step dad were in denial. They thought that with all the vitamins and a healthy diet that she would get better. Well, me being in the medical field I knew it was grim. Her cancer was a very aggressive type of cancer. I didn't give up hope, but deep down I know there was no saving her. She decided to try and have the lower lung cut out. She had to be on oxygen 24/7. They had said that they got it all, but when they did a PET scan a few months later it was found that the cancer had spread to another spot in her lungs and along her spine. She was in a lot of pain. She couldn't sleep in bed with my dad anymore. She lived on the couch and it was very difficult for her to get up and moving. They were forced to decide to let it be or go after it. She went after it. When they decided to do radiation and chemo her body did not respond well. Radiation she handled ok, but after her first chemo we thought we were going to lose her. She started complaining of headaches and high blood pressure. Finally she asked my dad to take her in to the ER. While there, she became very frantic and started asking for all her sisters and her brother. I had a feeling she thought it was the end. Then she started seizing in the ER. They had to intubate her and put her into a coma. She ended up in the ICU on a breathing machine. For 4 days it was pure hell. Even being in a enduced coma, she would still grip her bed sheets and groan. Finally the doctor decided to take her to xray and see if something was wrong. Well, she had a huge tumor growing in her left hip and her hip was fractured. A special surgeon was consult and he said that he could take the tumor out, but would have to cut to top of her femur off and rebuild the joint. With that plan, it was decided that mom would be taken off of the breathing machine. I will never forget that day. I was the only one in the room with her when the pulmonologist came in and said it was time. He slowly turned down the oxygen and waited for her to take a breath. It was a long minute, but she did it. I was so thankful that she wasn't ready to let go yet, because deep down, I honestly didn't think that she would breath. I thought I was going to watch my mom die right there. But she didn't. After waking up and talking to her about the surgery she decided to do it. It went very well, but recover was very hard for her. She spent almost 2 months in the hospital and then in St. Lukes for rehab. I never felt happier then the day I took her home from St. Lukes. That was in November 2008, right in time for Thanksgiving. After we left, we went to Zips and got her the biggest, greasiest burger ever. The smile on her face was worth it all. Then it all went downhill from there. At Thanksgiving we knew she wasn't doing good. She didn't look well and started to really decline, mentally and physically. As a family we wanted to take her on one last trip to the Oregon Coast as she loved it there. We started making plans and calling places to see if it would be suitable. Within a week of that, I seen her and she did not look well at all. She was confused and wouldn't eat and couldn't swallow her pills. I told my family that we didn't have time to plan, if we wanted to do something it had to be done now. By December 18th, my birthday she was doing ok. We had a family Christmas at my aunts house. She did very well, was up beat and trying her hardest to participate in all we did. She was able to hold her great neice, who at 6 months old, loved her Aunt Lynnie. By the next weekend, which was Christmas day, she was even worse. Her color had changed to a ash color and she started to bloat up. It was then that I knew we didn't have long. After New Years, we had called to a couple of places at Priest Lake to see if they could accomodate our huge family. One place could. Hills Resort. I have nothing but high praises for them. The hard thing that we had to take care of, was that if she were to pass when we were away from home, she did not have a POLST order nor a DNR form signed. I had to beg the doctors office that she was coherant enough to sign her name if they would give me the paperwork to go over with her. I myself had to explain it all. My aunt, uncle, and dad couldn't do it. I had to be the tough one. I had to hold my tears while everyone stood behind her and cried. I was able to get her to sign it and understand it. It was set, we were able to go now. We rented their biggest cabin, which they said was handicap accessable. Well, we got there and it really wasn't. So, the first night I stayed up watching my mom sleep in a chair on the landing of the front door as we could not get her down the stairs into the main living area. At 7:30AM, Hills had workers come in and build a special ramp so that we could get her down with the rest of the family. Over the next few days, we as a family spent every moment together. We laughed, we cried, we loved. The last night that we were there, we were able to get mom into the bed. It was the first time in months that my mom and dad were able to sleep togeather in the same bed. Unfortunately, it was the last. Sunday morning she woke in a panic and needed to get home. All color was gone from her face. She was incoherant and hallucinating. We got her home as soon as possible. My Monday Hospice came in and helped get her comfortable. A hospital bed was ordered so that she could die at home in peace. Tuesday morning I got the call that I needed to be at the house as it wasn't going to be long. I raced home and spent every moment at her side. She had woke up at one point and was talking about how she could see grandma and Uncle Bob. I told her over and over that it was ok to go to them, it was ok to leave us that we would be ok. However, my dad didn't see it that way. He yelled at me telling me it was upsetting her. No dad, it wasn't....SHE NEEDED TO HEAR IT! He refused to say it and let her go. I stayed up with her all night long as there was no Hospice nurse that night. The next morning the whole family was there again. She was a little aggitated so the hospice nurse that had come said that it would be best for everyone to leave as she needed to rest. There was only a handful left at the house. Dad was out smoking. My sister and I were at her side. The nurse looked at us and said it was time. She's ready. I started screaming for my dad to get in the house. He ran to her head and held it. My dad, sister, her brother and sister in law and one of her best friends watched her take her last breath. It was one of the worst things I have ever had to do. Watch my mother die in agony. Basically her lungs were filling up with fluid and she basically drowned. There was nowhere for the extra fluid to go. Listening to her gurgle once every 30-45 seconds was hard. I wanted to end it for her. I so wanted to reach up and put my hands over her mouth and nose and help her...but I know I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. After the nurse confirmed that she died, we called the family to let them know. My dad and I were the ones to undress her and put her in clothing that she would want to be cremated in. That was tough. The coroner came and took her away. That was the last time I seen my mothers face. I to this day, have a very hard time with it. My mother was everything to me. She was everything to my family. No one could EVER replace her. It has been a little over 2 1/2 years since her passing and it is still very difficult. What transpired over the next couple of years would be very difficult. Most recent of all. That I will save for another day and it's a story of it's own.