The way it all ended....

Well, I deleted all my old posts and now I am going to start all over again and put my thoughts into words on paper as it really is therapy. The biggest thing that I want to discuss right now is what has happened in the past 2 and a half years. It starts with my mom being diagnosed with lung cancer. Both my mom and my step dad were in denial. They thought that with all the vitamins and a healthy diet that she would get better. Well, me being in the medical field I knew it was grim. Her cancer was a very aggressive type of cancer. I didn't give up hope, but deep down I know there was no saving her. She decided to try and have the lower lung cut out. She had to be on oxygen 24/7. They had said that they got it all, but when they did a PET scan a few months later it was found that the cancer had spread to another spot in her lungs and along her spine. She was in a lot of pain. She couldn't sleep in bed with my dad anymore. She lived on the couch and it was very difficult for her to get up and moving. They were forced to decide to let it be or go after it. She went after it. When they decided to do radiation and chemo her body did not respond well. Radiation she handled ok, but after her first chemo we thought we were going to lose her. She started complaining of headaches and high blood pressure. Finally she asked my dad to take her in to the ER. While there, she became very frantic and started asking for all her sisters and her brother. I had a feeling she thought it was the end. Then she started seizing in the ER. They had to intubate her and put her into a coma. She ended up in the ICU on a breathing machine. For 4 days it was pure hell. Even being in a enduced coma, she would still grip her bed sheets and groan. Finally the doctor decided to take her to xray and see if something was wrong. Well, she had a huge tumor growing in her left hip and her hip was fractured. A special surgeon was consult and he said that he could take the tumor out, but would have to cut to top of her femur off and rebuild the joint. With that plan, it was decided that mom would be taken off of the breathing machine. I will never forget that day. I was the only one in the room with her when the pulmonologist came in and said it was time. He slowly turned down the oxygen and waited for her to take a breath. It was a long minute, but she did it. I was so thankful that she wasn't ready to let go yet, because deep down, I honestly didn't think that she would breath. I thought I was going to watch my mom die right there. But she didn't. After waking up and talking to her about the surgery she decided to do it. It went very well, but recover was very hard for her. She spent almost 2 months in the hospital and then in St. Lukes for rehab. I never felt happier then the day I took her home from St. Lukes. That was in November 2008, right in time for Thanksgiving. After we left, we went to Zips and got her the biggest, greasiest burger ever. The smile on her face was worth it all. Then it all went downhill from there. At Thanksgiving we knew she wasn't doing good. She didn't look well and started to really decline, mentally and physically. As a family we wanted to take her on one last trip to the Oregon Coast as she loved it there. We started making plans and calling places to see if it would be suitable. Within a week of that, I seen her and she did not look well at all. She was confused and wouldn't eat and couldn't swallow her pills. I told my family that we didn't have time to plan, if we wanted to do something it had to be done now. By December 18th, my birthday she was doing ok. We had a family Christmas at my aunts house. She did very well, was up beat and trying her hardest to participate in all we did. She was able to hold her great neice, who at 6 months old, loved her Aunt Lynnie. By the next weekend, which was Christmas day, she was even worse. Her color had changed to a ash color and she started to bloat up. It was then that I knew we didn't have long. After New Years, we had called to a couple of places at Priest Lake to see if they could accomodate our huge family. One place could. Hills Resort. I have nothing but high praises for them. The hard thing that we had to take care of, was that if she were to pass when we were away from home, she did not have a POLST order nor a DNR form signed. I had to beg the doctors office that she was coherant enough to sign her name if they would give me the paperwork to go over with her. I myself had to explain it all. My aunt, uncle, and dad couldn't do it. I had to be the tough one. I had to hold my tears while everyone stood behind her and cried. I was able to get her to sign it and understand it. It was set, we were able to go now. We rented their biggest cabin, which they said was handicap accessable. Well, we got there and it really wasn't. So, the first night I stayed up watching my mom sleep in a chair on the landing of the front door as we could not get her down the stairs into the main living area. At 7:30AM, Hills had workers come in and build a special ramp so that we could get her down with the rest of the family. Over the next few days, we as a family spent every moment together. We laughed, we cried, we loved. The last night that we were there, we were able to get mom into the bed. It was the first time in months that my mom and dad were able to sleep togeather in the same bed. Unfortunately, it was the last. Sunday morning she woke in a panic and needed to get home. All color was gone from her face. She was incoherant and hallucinating. We got her home as soon as possible. My Monday Hospice came in and helped get her comfortable. A hospital bed was ordered so that she could die at home in peace. Tuesday morning I got the call that I needed to be at the house as it wasn't going to be long. I raced home and spent every moment at her side. She had woke up at one point and was talking about how she could see grandma and Uncle Bob. I told her over and over that it was ok to go to them, it was ok to leave us that we would be ok. However, my dad didn't see it that way. He yelled at me telling me it was upsetting her. No dad, it wasn't....SHE NEEDED TO HEAR IT! He refused to say it and let her go. I stayed up with her all night long as there was no Hospice nurse that night. The next morning the whole family was there again. She was a little aggitated so the hospice nurse that had come said that it would be best for everyone to leave as she needed to rest. There was only a handful left at the house. Dad was out smoking. My sister and I were at her side. The nurse looked at us and said it was time. She's ready. I started screaming for my dad to get in the house. He ran to her head and held it. My dad, sister, her brother and sister in law and one of her best friends watched her take her last breath. It was one of the worst things I have ever had to do. Watch my mother die in agony. Basically her lungs were filling up with fluid and she basically drowned. There was nowhere for the extra fluid to go. Listening to her gurgle once every 30-45 seconds was hard. I wanted to end it for her. I so wanted to reach up and put my hands over her mouth and nose and help her...but I know I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. After the nurse confirmed that she died, we called the family to let them know. My dad and I were the ones to undress her and put her in clothing that she would want to be cremated in. That was tough. The coroner came and took her away. That was the last time I seen my mothers face. I to this day, have a very hard time with it. My mother was everything to me. She was everything to my family. No one could EVER replace her. It has been a little over 2 1/2 years since her passing and it is still very difficult. What transpired over the next couple of years would be very difficult. Most recent of all. That I will save for another day and it's a story of it's own.